H
EALTHY BOUNDARIES:
WORKING GUIDELINES
and
PERSONAL STRATEGIES

Fr. Quinn Conners, O.Carm., Ph.D.

 Episcopal Council
 Autun BM 129 f.91,1490

In this [...] section, I want to offer some suggestions and strategies to help us arrive at a sense of confidence and peace in our ministry. Priestly services in the contemporary church calls for a clarity of vision and a strong personal motivation in providing effective pastoral care. 

 

 


SOME WORKING GUIDELINES
 

 

 

 

1. Because of their education, gender, role, and status, priests inherently have more power than staff members, parishioners, and others in their care. This reality is often difficult for priests to accept, because they see themselves as servants, and often experience themselves as not having significant power or influence in church life and polity.

 

2. This imbalance of power creates the need for increased sensitivity to and responsibility for the complex and fluid nature of interpersonal boundaries on the part of the priest.

 

3. More specifically, the power differential in ministerial relationship creates a situation in which those who come to us for pastoral care are vulnerable to abuse or to the violation of their boundaries. We, in turn, because of our position, are at risk, consciously or unconsciously, of misusing our power and position.

 

4. The responsibility for maintaining proper boundaries lies first and foremost with the priest, and only secondarily with the parishioner or others who come to him for pastoral care.

 

5. Unlike many other helping professions (e.g., physicians, psychologists, psychotherapists), priests inevitably find themselves in some form of dual relationships. For example, the same parishioner, who presides at the parish council one night, may celebrate the sacrament of reconciliation with him the next day, and then invite him to a family dinner after the weekend liturgies. These overlapping roles are built in to pastoral ministry and therefore demand an even greater sense of awareness and responsibility.

 

6. It is an abuse of ministerial responsibility and a violation of boundaries for a priest to sexualize a relationship with a parishioner or someone under his care, even if it appears that the other person is aware, consenting, or even initiating the further level of intimacy.

 

7. The ethical violation involved in these instances is,

in the first place, an abuse of power

and a violation of the sacred trust inherent in the office itself.

It is also a breach of the priest’s commitment to celibacy.

 

8. Many persons who seek out priests for further pastoral contact do so because they carry an unconscious or subconscious awareness that their own sense of boundaries needs healing or completion. They have already experienced some earlier form of “relational trauma” and are seeking a safe place or person with whom to work through this core issue in their lives. “Because of the climate of violence in family life, many women - and some men - have experienced only an abusive relationship with a father. Thus to find themselves in the presence of an attentive male is to know for the first time an authority figure who cares about them.”
James B. Ashbrook, Minding the Soul: Pastoral Counseling as Remembering (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1996), p. 143.

 

 

 


SOME PERSONAL STRATEGIES in KEEPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
 

 

 

 

 

1. We can begin with the importance of growth in self-knowledge. As ministers to God’s people we have a responsibility to come to know our own family of origin stories, our gifts and limitations, our conscious and unconscious needs.

2. Investment in our healing and wholeness. While it is true that the clear goal of ministry is to “lay down our lives for others” (cf. John 15:13), we cannot do this effectively if we are not also in the process of “taking up” our own lives (cf. John 10:17-18). There are many ways that we can continue this healing journey, including our willingness to work with a spiritual director or enter personal therapy.

3. Continue to develop a personal support network and close friendships. This includes coming to an awareness of the various levels and circles of intimacy in our lives. One of the signs of maturity is our ability to name and know the difference between the circle of relationships that makes up our primary level of intimacy (our closest friends or family) and those relationships which function as our secondary level of intimacy or community (other staff members, parishioners, etc.). If the first level is healthy and in place, we will be much more comfortable serving on the second level.

4. Invest time and energy in theological updating, professional development, continuing education, and, if it is appropriate, programs of certification as part of our commitment to priestly service. This should also include training and consultation to help us recognize when to refer to other helping professionals. A vital part of pastoral ministry is getting to know which helping professionals we can trust as referral sources.

5. Take initiatives to get professional and pastoral supervision. In today’s complex world it is helpful to have someone you respect and trust with whom you can consult confidentially regarding your pastoral style and relationships.

6. Return again and again to the basics of a solid prayer life and the model of gospel ministry found in Jesus. In addition, since human wholeness is an integral part of the journey of discipleship, continue to attend to the practical, daily concerns of a healthy diet and exercise, a balance of work and recreation, and ways to engage your creative imagination.

7. In our day to day pastoral contacts with people, approach each encounter as if we want our closest associates and friends - those who respect and trust us most - to know exactly how we are conducting ourselves.

8. Finally, remind ourselves often that ministry is a gift to be offered, not a program to be imposed. In the end, pastoral care is not something we do to people or even for people, but a gift of presence that we share with people.

From Priestly Relationships: Freedom through Boundaries; NOCERCC Resource Guide, pp. 14-16.


 

 


POWER, BOUNDARIES & PERSONAL LIFE
 

 

 

 

 


RIGID
 

 


POROUS
 

 


FLEXIBLE

 

  

 RIGID

No one allowed in, rigid power

Symptoms

cold, distant, harsh, angry, unavailable, superficial smile/pleasantness, disengaged

Interpersonal Life

few call or ring doorbell, people feel uneasy in house, quiet, depressing feeling, rarely laughter, constant fear of “upsetting him/her”

Personal Result?

not fed by people, becomes cynical, sarcastic and/or depressed.

 

 

 POROUS everyone allowed in, abdicate power
   

Symptoms

overengaged, emotional rollercoaster, “all things to everyone,” “wonderful person but you don’t know how long he/she will last,” responds to every need, never thinks of self, seems close to everyone

Interpersonal Life

people feel his/her home belongs to them, people on every floor, phone/doorbell ring a at all hours—every day and he/she expected to respond.

Personal Result?

overwhelmed, feels out of control, “burns out,” wants to get away, “compassion fatigue”

 

 

FLEXIBLE

by personal choice, some let in, others not; those let in are at differing degrees of Intimacy, flexible power

Symptoms

balanced life, displays wide spectrum of emotions, person able to help some a lot, others a little, still others — not at all.

Interpersonal Life

routine business conducted at specific hours, emergencies handled at all hours, office and living kept separate

Personal Result?

Individual has supportive personal life and effective relationships with others; one complements the other.

 

Reflection Question: Which model best describes my life now? What steps could I take to improve?


[1] James B. Ashbrook, Minding the Soul: Pastoral Counseling as Remembering (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1996), p. 143.

 

 


 

 

 


SOCIAL MEDIA and ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION
From the Virtus Training Website
(August 8, 2018)


 

 

 


https://www.virtusonline.org/mytraining/display_mtb.cfm?mtb_id=1910&mtb_type_id=2


THERE can be no compromise regarding the use of social media and contact through Internet and other electronic means. Recent news stories have included too many stories of adult youth ministers from many different denominations who used social media and electronic communication to seduce young people, share pornography and initiate contact that led to alcohol and drug use, and sexual assault.  

If your parish does not have a policy about social media and electronic communication, establish one. If you have a policy in place, check to see that it includes the following points: 

If young people initiate electronic one-on-one contact with you, inform them that you’d be happy to communicate during your normal working hours (if applicable), in a place that is conducive to your ministry. Invite them to come visit you in a location where others can see and hear you. And, in the meantime, notify a supervisor regarding when and where the meeting will occur. 

Keep in mind that your policy may contain provisions to regularly update the policy on electronic communications as technology improves and new methods of communication become part of the electronic landscape. When policy updates happen, there may be a new requirement to read and accept updated versions. 

Review and Monitor all Behavior

In addition to raising the bar on electronic communications, it is important to review all activities and interactions with the “no conditioning” standard in mind. Make sure that none of your actions or those of other adults in ministry can be characterized as behavior that conditions children to lower their barriers to inappropriate contact. 

There are some behaviors that sometimes creep back into the picture because they are justified or rationalized as “just how she (or he) is.” The problem is predators are counting on us to water down our vigilance and open the gate to give them more access. These include full-on hugs or excessive examples of physical touch, a single person violating policy requirements by giving a child a ride home and meeting a young person outside of the office to “talk” about something that is bothering them. Children should know that they can consider you to be a trusted adult and that they can talk to you about their concerns. However, these types of interactions must be held during times and places that have oversight for both your protection and theirs.  

 


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